You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
