Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
