Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
