So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
