so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
