god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
