it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
