Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
