My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
