Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
