I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
