Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's rum buckets o'clock
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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