Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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