I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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