Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Randomize
