if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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