upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
