Christians are straight up FREAKS
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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