So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
