my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
