I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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