I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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