My nipple is on Facebook.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
