Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
