I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
