Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
