Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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