I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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