ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
