College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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