before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
