At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
