I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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