It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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