decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
