First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
