i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
