I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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