puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
