Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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