just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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