she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
