I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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