I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
