I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
