Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
