i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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