Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
