You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
