Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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