I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
