My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Randomize
