i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
