If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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