guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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