i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
